So. Nothing’s happened this year.
That’s right, nothing at all. It’s all been a dream and
we’ll wake up tomorrow on the 1st of January
2015. Because if that doesn’t happen then by God the world’s
gone to Hell in a Handcart. The usual fast-walk-down (as
opposed to run-down) of the year’s stories begins here;
We start with Auckland house prices.
That’s about the most positive story. As in, the trend for
prices rising is a positive one, and I’m positive we’re all
positively stuffed and won’t be able to buy a house. Sigh.
Oh and there was that time a seal was in the Auckland
harbour. Which was at least some relief for the media from
reporting about the doom and gloom stuff. Although every
single media outlet missed out the ‘seal the deal’ headline
to do with downtown CBD house prices. But, eh whatever. Any
joke they miss is one I can spread over a whole paragraph.
Greece. That one slipped me by.
Actually it didn’t because I wrote an article on it in July,
before the referendum result was announced. SPOILER: they
voted no. I could talk about the economic blah blah but …
actually I already did that this year. There aren’t any
jokes though. (Shush. I know there aren’t any jokes here
either).
JellyTip Chocolate fever gripped the
nation in September. Yup. It was nice. Okay, fine, so this
is the nicest and most positive story of the year. (This is
of course entirely ignoring the implications on the obesity
epidemic and the fact that we may have no chocolate by 2030
(nooooooooo).
Also they found a wing of MH370 but not
the rest of it. In the ocean. The great game of Where’s
Wally continues …
Actually, I lie. For the second time in
300 words. Because the most positive story this year is,
without doubt, the fact that we won the Rugby World Cup. I
have never given any flying fucks for Rugby. Still don’t.
But honestly, the whole ‘it wasn't a
punch, just a push of the fist to the face’ debacle in the
semi-final is a joke that just wrote itself. Then a whole
lot of the people retired from the team. And there were two
major deaths in Rugby (not *in* in, as in not during a
game); Jonah Lomu and the other guy Jerry Collins. I
can only imagine what might have happened if, instead of
retiring, one of the more well-known players had kicked the
metaphorical rugby ball bucket. The whole country
would have lost … their … minds.
Okay, I’ve drunk
the required amount of alcohol to talk politics, so let’s
continue.
Local politics;
Colin Craig had some scandals earlier in the year that meant
he stepped down as Conservative leader. By November, the
party had not appointed a new leader, or recovered from the
substantial damage of Craig’s exit (along with most of the
Board). Northland by-election that Peters won by heaps.
Obviously. He’s the only even-close-to-recognisable name.
And this country there was a referendum on changing the
fecking flag instead of any issues that actually matter (the
TPPA, anyone?). That story looked promising when a fifth
item was added to the list by public request, and looked set
for an underdog story … but alas, no. It wasn’t to be. Our
Prime Minister made a series of mistakes this year, first
pulling a waitress’ ponytail as a ‘joke’, then making
inflammatory comments later in the year regarding rapists
and refusing to firstly apologise, and secondly hear female
MP’s speak about their abuse.
Across the Moat
(Tasman), Malcolm Turnbull became Prime Minister, after
the racist, sexist, ignorant and just-general-pig Tony
Abbott was voted unfit to rule by his own party. There was
also an election seeing the removal of Stephen Harper as
Canadian PM, replacing him with Justin Trudeau by a fair
margin. And the US presidential race has begun. DJ Trump (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7WqcNbcKmQ
– don’t worry, it is very funny and not in any way political
– something like his campaign …) is running, saying
controversial (and uninformed) things in a charismatic way.
Also here’s a quote;
"It has not been easy for me. I started off in Brooklyn. My
father gave me a small loan of a million dollars." Good god,
man. What would you consider having it easy to be? Also
there was a candidate called ‘Deez Nuts’, after a meme from
a shit film I haven’t seen (phew). I have another article on
this stuff. I’ve tried to be balanced. There’s also a Bush
in the White House (they let it get overgrown …), and a
Clinton is hoping to sit behind the desk (and maybe not get
sucked off while so doing … but he never had sexual
relations with that woman, right? In a similar story of
American ignorance, there was an instance of a town turning
down the opportunity of a solar farm because it would ‘suck
up all the sunlight’. No. I can’t even. Just no.
The ‘Most Positive Story of the Year’
Award (sarcasm fully intended) goes to the ISIS crisis. I’ve
written a more detailed article on this stuff. Apparently
wars displace people. The problem is, there’s paranoia so
there isn’t many places for people to go. The logic that IS
doesn’t represent Muslims is only valid in some situations,
it would seem (SARCASM!). However, their radical ideology
(*muffled ‘EXTERMINATE’ in the distance*) is very uncommon
amongst regular Muslims that aren’t unhinged and insane.
They claim responsibility for a series of attacks on other
places (Paris, plane-crash in Egypt, surely others …). So
yes, positive story.
No. Definitely, the most positive story
this time. I promise, and I’m not joking. There was a draft
agreement reached to halt climate change (which isn’t
happening at all, right Donald?). But it isn’t binding, so
even though it’s a big step (and it is), it’s the kind of
big step that happens in a dream; you wanted the step to
happen, and imagined it actually occurring. And that may
lead to actual change in the real world. But it also may
not. Self-driving cars took a step forward (even though
they’re cars and can’t walk …), and hybrids are becoming
cheaper so that when fossil fuels become a thing of the past
(ha ha ha ha), there is a cohesive forward-looking plan for
humanity.
And, to conclude this rather
bleak-looking Year-in-Review article, here’s this year’s
funny headlines;
- Rare crockery to go under hammer.
- Homicide victims rarely talk to
Police
- Alton attorney accidentally sues
himself
- Murderer says detective ruined
his reputation
- Woman missing since she got lost
Very bleak year. I thank you for reading this, as it’s longer than normal. Even this article is condensed; I couldn’t possibly articulate properly the levels of stupid in the amount of space I used in the last few years. I guess we’ll see.