This is not a film for the light-hearted. Or the sociopathic. Or anyone at all, actually. Just don’t watch it. If you value your sanity, turn away now. Yes, now. Have you turned away? Good. Full spoilers follow.
Perhaps the biggest obstacle for the opening of the film is the fact that it comes as the most recent edition in a long-running series, and is tasked with following on from the previous film’s obscenely dull cliffhanger. ‘Will there be enough tea to go around’ (the passive-aggressiveness later in the film says yes, there is). Picking up the strands from the cliffhanger of the previous film in the series, while alternating mindnumbingly slow pacing and gratuitous character death. B-list celebrity after b-list celebrity were gratuitously disposed of in a shameless attempt to impersonate a sense of ‘grit’ or ‘darkness’.
Later in the first act, a nonsensical political race between the wolf from off of Little Red Riding Hood and an electrocuted and inexplicably partially melted wax model from Madame Tussauds. A third contender in the race, not entirely dissimilar to the man behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz, isn’t particularly relevant to the plot of the film but is given a disproportionate amount of screentime early on.
There’s a temporary sidetrack relating to a virus from mosquito bites. But nevermind about that because it is so much not the actual point of the film that literally nobody cares about how the subplot is represented in the first place. Except that it’s close to the place where the Olympics will be held where apparently worker conditions are appalling. But if there’s anything the director of this film takes pains to show, it’s that the people in this alternate-reality dystopia do not care about how other humans are treated. This sharp and shocking revelation underscores the transition into the second third, which …
The second Act opens with some levity, as you’d expect an unremittingly bleak movie (as this turns out to be) to do; “Headline will go here blah blah blah bla”, “Postman’s speed fine got lost in the post”, “City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells”, “Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for ‘Talking Stupidly’”, “Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge”, “Self-Proclaimed Invisible Man No Show at Court Hearing”, are among the better examples of comedy headlines the filmmakers have elected to include in the picture. But then, the creative team decide, viewers should be reminded with a jolt what the actual goal of this film is – and they show an election won by a section of the population known only for their extreme and somewhat racist views. Then their Prime Minister resigned and was replaced by – gasp – a woman. And apparently the decision as to how that power will be returned shouldn’t be made by a political body? Because judges that said that got death threats? These guys have no idea what they’re doing. Thank God reality’s not like that.
Another temporary reprieve with a subplot about a game based on a children’s cartoon from years back temporarily draws attention away from the psychotic lions’ mane on steroids. But there is no such thing as "fun for the whole family". For every sequence that shows kids having fun walking into walls because they’d been focussing on their phones instead of the physical obstacles actually in front of them, there’s a scene that is fun for the racist, sexist, closed-minded uncle, the younger kids are hiding behind the sofa in terror, mostly at the thought of what will happen to them if they’re left in a room with him. The general populace got their summer trends the wrong way around between exploratory game and what it would be like if a racist potato could have thoughts. What a shame.
Then a Muslim with a gun walks into a gay bar. Nobody can decide the
motivation of the resulting shooting. Or why it happened. Which just serves to
underline the tension, fear and insecurity present in popular culture at that
point; obviously this tension was due to the fact that the Olympics happened at
this point in the film, and then the tension multiplied by six when a phone was
introduced on to the market which exploded. Literally. Which amplified the
impact of our wax-melty, not-golden golden boy had on the American voter, and
allowed him to talk shit on his Twitter account about voter fraud, election
rigging and media bias. All of which, if proven to impact the election at all,
would have impacted in the favour of our straw effigy on a string friend. Funny
how he never brought that up after the fact. Oh, fuck. I’ve spoiled the ending
of the film. At this point, there was also the biggest supermoon of the last 60
years because Donald Trump decided he hasn’t had enough attention of late. OH
SHIT. I USED HIS NAME. OH NO. Like Lord Voldemort, he’ll come for me (NOT TO BE
CONFUSED WITH COMING ‘AT’ ME. Which I either would a) win or b) file a sexual
harassment suit, depending on how you define the word ‘come’).
Oh yeah, and
it’s been alleged that Russia interfered to help the electrified orangutan. But
nevermind.
During this section of the film, a gorilla died and nobody moved on. For the rest of the film. Donald Trump apologised for 2005 comments. Not sure if this refers to the year or number of his inappropriate comments. His economic plan was revealed and is basically the board game Monopoly. All of the memes and the rise of meme culture, although there’s a compelling argument that this is actually the cause of all of the problems in the film. Or at least didn’t in any positive way contribute to their conclusion.
Narrative escalations at the end of the second Act predict an exciting climax. And it … at the same time delivers and disappoints; like that pizza delivery you scheduled on Christmas Day. A scene involving the ratification of a climate change deal is undercut by a scene in which a stressed and impulsive haybale on legs debates against my Grandma who’s got out of her home Seriously; someone please help, she’s escaped. Probably by pretending to be dead. This would continue over three events over the next fifteen minutes of film.
There was a shock by-election in Mt Roskill when the current MP got
electrocuted became Mayor of the City. Went as well as expected; actually
the winner won it by a larger margin than expected, so I guess that’s good. And
left-wing which is an improvement on the alt-right (EDIT: racists who want the
Government to give them benefits) sweep through Europe and the UK and US. Looks
like a positive reversal of a trend, no?
You’d think, in the last ten minutes, that the writers would decide to put a positive upward twist in the script. Which is mostly right; except the twist that actually showed up was a downwards flick. If such a thing were possible considering how dark this film has fucking got by this point. But no. The elected president blackmailed an aircraft manufacturer into giving him money while three different Governments around this fictional world self-destruct with leader resignations. Praise be to the team of writers who made up that epic motherfucker (lets not give Trump any ideas) of a cliffhanger need more respect. Mostly because I get the feeling that if they don’t get the respect they want, they’ll tweet about you until some white supremacist nails you to a swastika. “Hail Trump,” they’ll cry but they’re not saluting him, just telling him to get inside because it’ll rain soon. Pointing at the rain clouds with outstretched hands, that’s what they said.
Worst film I’ve seen all year. Although next year there’s Fifty Shades Darker. So it’s probably better than that. -5/10. I’d say ‘would not recommend’, but that would be overstating its quality.
In conclusion, we’ve all died and this is what hell looks like. Oh noes. And, before you say ‘hell hasn’t frozen over – of course it hasn’t. The Americans don’t believe in climate change because it’s a hoax by the Chinese to make US manufacturing noncompetitive. That was a direct quote from Donald Trump, the first openly melting-wax-candle shaped American president. Hopefully I’ll see you next year for more of this sort of thing. But that genuinely is only 50% likely at the moment.